I scurried down,
excited for my morning.
A hot cup of coffee,
the daily Mass readings,
and yet,
the house began to stir.

The cries echoed from their rooms 
and my heart stopped,
Now I shall have to gather myself.
To draw courage for the day.
To move past the plans I thought I had
and attend where I am called.

Frustration began to build
and I was stuck, scrambling.
Lord, help me to love
even when it feels like it costs me

A little boy emerged from the stairs,
a smile greeted me 
and I am ashamed how hard it was
to smile back.

Does he not know how I longed to be alone?

But he was unbothered
as he nestled in close to me 
on the small armchair I had found solace in

His head lay gently against my shoulder
and my angsty frustration began to dissipate
I had thought the day was off to a bad start
but he proved me wrong as he sat quietly,
mumbling to himself
allowing me some semblance of aloneness
to gather my thoughts

As I turned to look at him,
he started talking about the sorts of pets we could have:
a baby rhino
or maybe a giraffe
They would grow too big, wouldn't they mom?

His eyes bright with excitement,
made my mouth turn upward in soft and subtle awe
the mind of a child,
innocent and fascinating

I made my second cup of coffee
and took my spot at the dining room table.
He followed closely,
sitting just next to me, pulling out a white board and markers.

There we sat,
working seperatley
but together
and I couldn't help but scoff at myself
for the resentment that had reared it's ugly head
when my early riser had first appeared

My morning was interrupted
and therefore,
all the more blessed.

The idea of a perfect quiet
and aloneness 
tries to weigh me down
as I've been convinced 
that that is what I need  

But I've been shown,
again and again,
that God gives me what I need
and sometimes that is not about me at all
sometimes it is about sitting in the company of my children
though I ache to be alone

Because I need,
more than anything,
to open my heart and hold out my hand
to fight my urge to turn inward
and be more willing to turn outward

It is most assuredly not about me.

And time to be alone always shows up,
unexpectedly and just when I need it

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  1. ❤️❤️❤️

  2. As I drop my Quinn off this morning at the airport, I remember these moments you write of and deal with as well with Victoria. My heart aches to have those moments with Quinn again as I realize my time with her here living at home is quickly dwindling. They are precious moments. Very fleeting and very much missed once they’re gone.

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