August 4, 2018
I thought I could handle the balancing act but the grip around me is too tight. I can’t find middle ground in my struggle of opposition against chasing you and living in this world.
My goals are beyond the confines of the screen. Anxiety is cast upon my heart. In my search for companionship I have found more loneliness. The shackles are bound tight around me, holding me as a slave to this uneasiness. I’m fighting to let go.
In the same colliding second I find strength of faith and brokenness of doubt. I hold on to both, confused at the opposing wills. But nonetheless, I know what needs to be done. I feel on the brink of freedom as I make my decision.
I see the light cast out across the horizon and the hope of more to come. I realize that I’m not really leaving anything behind except the illusion of comfort and friends.
The doubt begins to fade along with the gloomy residue it has left in its wake. The light can begin to pour in, slowly, so as to not overwhelm the senses. Along with the light comes the deep peace of moving forward. Forward in the direction of what is true and good.
I still feel a small loss and I don’t know why that is. As I make the decision to disconnect in order to reconnect, I find little comfort in the world around me. The discomfort pushes me forward into the arms of where I am going, and the smallness of loss doesn’t begin to compare to all I may gain.
These changes happening inside and around me are like a ship sailing the sea. Rough waters come and go but I continue to wrestle against the waves. I feel more contentment fighting the good fight than succumbing to what seems easy.
I leave behind little parts of myself to make room for a better me. The loss stings but for a second, so I sail on.