Not Fearless, Just Brave
August 20, 2020
The time and place were all very different but the feelings were very much the same. With each, I felt a rush of excitement, fear, and nervousness. A clashing of emotions that left my heart pounding as I tried to catch my breath. I was afraid that it would be positive, and I was afraid that it wouldn’t.
With Cooper, I was in my dark loft apartment, newly married. Everything about my life felt unknown, but I knew I wanted a baby. When the moment of truth came I was filled with unexpected fear. I had no idea how this new life would change everything but, in a way, I couldn’t wait to find out. When I saw it was positive I began pacing around the apartment, out of breath, trying to calm myself down. I was beyond excited and clueless. What now?
With Reagan, we were settled into our first home. It was a beautiful day and the sun was streaming through our windows. I remember putting Cooper down for a nap and sneaking to the bathroom to take the test. I let it sit on the counter a while as I busied myself with other chores. I’d almost forgotten it was there. When I saw that it was positive I literally fell to my knees. I again felt the rush of excitement and fear. I’d done it all before but each child is different, and now there would be two of them!
And this one. This one wasn’t as planned for but yet, not the least bit unexpected. I began to feel strange, like maybe I had Covid19 or maybe I was pregnant. I decided to ease my thoughts by taking the test. I again left it lying in the bathroom for a while before remembering to return. I was on the phone with the cable company when I decided to glance at it. My heart began racing, a rush of fear and excitement. I had no idea what the Comcast guy was talking about anymore. All I wanted to do was hang up on him. It was positive. Another beautiful life.
I’m only 4 weeks as I write this post. I feel so strange like my life has been altered forever in a good way. Each time I pick up Reagan or Cooper I am deeply aware that I am holding two babies. I have three children. And I say that so confidently because this child within me does exist and he or she is growing and changing each day. Each day with this baby is a blessing.
Maybe with subsequent children, you become more aware of the dangers of the world, the potential for loss. Maybe it’s the many stories of mothers I know who have lost a baby before they even held them in their arms. Or maybe it’s the increasing awareness of the vulnerable world we live in. But it’s this awareness of loss that makes it so urgent to cherish each passing moment. And so, though I cannot feel this sweet baby move yet, I can feel the impact he or she has already had on my whole being.
Life to me is so incredibly beautiful. Vulnerable, heart wrenching, a mix of every emotion you can think of, but beautiful. When we glance at that positive test, no matter the situation, we are asked to be brave. Not fearless, just brave.