Four years ago, a little boy came into the world and changed my life. I still remember holding him in my arms for the first time, looking down at his little face in awe and trying to imagine what mom life would be like. I was absolutely NOT prepared for what lie ahead those first few months. But hindsight is 20/20 and God sure was doing some amazing things.

I held him day and night for 3 months straight. I wondered if I would die from sleep exhaustion or loneliness. I wondered if we would ever make it out of that newborn stage. I wondered why in the heck I had thought I could be a mom. People kept telling me, “cherish this!” and I held back tears. I was trying, but I was so tired.

He was beautiful. I never felt more like myself then with his squishy cheeks resting upon my forearms. The difficulties and the joy swirled together in one big mess of love and it was confusing. I spent many days in his first year of life trying to “break” him. Trying to break him from needing me to fall asleep. Trying to break him from waking up in the middle of the night. Trying to break the many interesting habits that little people tend to have.

I know it’s silly. Instead of thinking I had to break him of anything I should have just leaned into it and let him be little. I slowly learned that lesson.

Now, looking back, I know that it was really him breaking me. Cooper James broke through my heart of stone – a difficult process! And he continues to breakthrough. He teaches me how to love, not just when it feels good or when it’s easy, but always.

He’s four today. His blue eyes still light up when he sees me. He wants to snuggle on the couch and read books or play Star Wars constantly. He loves to be my pet dog or pretend he’s my baby (little does he know he is my baby!) When he’s feeling the big emotions he usually just needs a hug. I’m relearning that daily.

And him and his dad, oh my. They are inseparable. They call each other best bud. I could ask for nothing more!

Cooper James, you came into this world and you showed me the beauty of life, something I had lost sight of. I would go back and hold you for those 3 torturous months again and again and again. I would go back to that dark loft apartment and suffer through my pregnancy with you again and again and again. Because absolutely none of it was easy, not in the slightest, but it was worth it. So worth it.

To have you in this world with us, to do life with you, is one of the greatest joys. Happy fourth birthday little one! You are so loved.

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