A Letter to My First Baby
December 27, 2018
I’ve wrapped you up and held you close for a year and a half now. Time seems in a hurry to pass us by, quickly changing day by day, season by season, but it has been the greatest joy to watch you grow. And as you lay sleeping in my arms I can already feel the heartache of future me longing for these days back. So, I promise you, my precious child, I’m soaking up every ounce of these little moments.
You didn’t want to go to sleep tonight. As I laid you down in your crib you stood up instantly with streaming tears. I walked out the door and just stood there. Everything I’ve read has told me to let you cry it out so I thought about it for a moment, but I will only be able to rock you in my arms for so much longer. We sat in your dark room, the sound machine buzzing in the background and we just rocked.
I watched your eyelids grow heavy and listened to the hushed sound of your breathing. I never knew it until I met you but those little breaths are the most beautiful sound, the sound of life. As you were dozing off your sweet hands reached for my hair – one of your favorite things. And you stroked it gently (for the most part) until your hands fell by your side in a deep slumber. I laid you down, asleep in your crib, and quietly snook out. It brings me so much joy to hold you close like that.
Our worlds are going to change in the next few months, and you don’t quite understand that yet. Your little sister is growing more and more every day, preparing for her big debut. You help me sing her songs and read her books. You help me fight through the exhaustion of creating new life. You help me appreciate all the blessings God has sent down on us. Watching you become a big brother will bring me so much joy, but for now, it’s just me and you. And I love that just as much.
So thank you for letting me hold you close and play with you. Thank you for having scrambled eggs with me in the morning and saying “cheers” while I drink my coffee and you drink your milk. Thank you for rubbing my hair and dancing in the kitchen with me. Thank you for running around in your diaper and snowboots. I will be so happy to tell you about all the good days we’ve had together as you were growing up!
And when the time comes for us to welcome your little sister into the world, please know I love you just the same as I always have.