I sit and wonder where these adventures may take me. The things in store for my life. The blessings awaiting me patiently as I struggle through these days of doubt. Do we ever make it to that place? The place of total peace and understanding? I long for these wrestlings to be conquered. But isn’t it funny that as I wrestle and doubt, God is working faithfully? As I struggle to see where my next step may be, God has already walked it for me. How silly, then, is my fear. I fear I will fall off the end of the earth with nothing worth leaving behind, and my story will be lost in the rustle and bustle of life marching on.
As my focus narrows-in obsessively on self, I forget all the other stories that have yet to be told. I forget those who have walked before me, and even those walking alongside me. How intriguing their stories have turned out to be. How much I have missed focusing in on the bland story I have tried to create myself. .
I lose myself in the stories of others. Their perfectly written ways of life. Stories of love, and loss, and adventure. Stories of wishing, and wanting, and longing. Stories that are so much more articulate than my little nothings. They make sense. But yet, they were created over a long span of time, and it is foolish to rush the climax of a story. The longer it builds, the better the ending.
And so I too, must step outside of myself into the greater adventure. I too, must remember the story I am truly a part of. It is a beautiful story. One of virtue and strength. A story about a Love so strong that it dies for its beloveds and resurrects in hope of new life everlasting. And though I sit at the edge of my seat wondering how I could possibly be a part of such a grandiose plot, I know in the end He is victorious.
I crumble beneath the shadows of pride that whisper sweet nothings in my ear, telling me it’s a lost fight. My walls crumble in as the world forces itself upon me, trying to break down my spirit. But my spirit rises up in humble surrender, resting lightly in a Father’s arms, fighting valiantly against the evils of this world. And, I smile. This is the story I want to be a part of.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God. We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We should like to skip the intermediate stages. We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new. And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability – and that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you; your ideas mature gradually – let them grow, let them shape themselves, without undue haste. Don’t try to force them on, as though you could be today what time will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be. Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you, and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
– Teilhard de Chardin